December 2007
On the Edge of Common Sense

Barnyard Christmas Party Committee

by Baxter Black, DVM

The Little Red Hen brought the meeting to order, "Christmas is right around the corner." Ewe and Eye, the dumber and dumbest sheep twins, looked around the corner of the barn. LRH (Little Red Hen) ignored them.

"First on the agenda is a tree. The steel post so graciously donated by Henri goat last year was certainly Frank Lloyd Writish, but the cows have asked for something more traditional."

"Something more edible, you mean," interrupted the goat.

"Bucky Beaver has offered to cut one for us," continued LRH. "He says the corner post on Farmer Bill’s front porch is attractive."

"Why can’t we just decorate a bale of hay," suggested the cow.

"With what?" asked the goat suspiciously.

"Rolled barley, corn and molasses," said the cow innocently.

"Ridiculous!" said LRH, "All in favor of beaver’s porch post say ‘Aye.’"

Everyone said, "Aye!"

Eye said, "What?"

"Next order of business," said LRH, "is drawing names for exchanging presents."

"Madam Chairman," spoke Coyote, "I think we should give more thought to the gifts we give. Last year Eye drew my name."

"Not Eye," said Ewe.

"Not I," said Eye.

"It was you," said Eye.

"Not I." said Ewe.

"Shut up!" said LRH.

"Whoever it was," said Coyote, "gave me a wool coat! Can you believe it! Made me look like a wolf in…well, you know. It was so fairy-talely incorrect."

"Don’t feel bad," said LRH, "Dog drew me and gave me a plate of buffalo wings. It was all I could do to choke them down. I hate hot and spicy."

"Does anyone know what I want?" asked the donkey.

"Eye wants a jet ski!" said Eye.

"Not Eye, me, you muttonhead!" stormed Donkey.

"Baa, baa, waa, waa!"

"Knock it off," said LRH, "Now you made Eye bawl."

"What would you like?" asked LRH to Donkey.

"Ewe would like an ear muff," said Ewe.

"Not Ewe," said LRH, "You," she said, pointing at Donkey.

"Just one?" asked Donkey, distracted.

"Just one what?" said LRH, confused.

"Ear muff," said Donkey.

"I won an ear muff?" said Ewe gleefully.

"Eye did?" said Donkey, "I wanted the ear muff, Eye wanted the jet ski."

"Let’s vote on it," said Eye. "All in favor say Aye!"

"An Aye for an Eye," voted Ewe.

The vote was one in favor, zero against.

"Eye won," said the donkey.

"I won," said Eye.

"The Aye has it!" said LRH and gaveled the meeting closed.

Baxter Black is a former large animal veterinarian who can be followed nationwide through this column, National Public Radio, public appearances, television and also through his books, cds, videos and website,