It’s curious why more cows aren’t featured on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Maybe it’s because we cow guardians always have our hands full of hay forks, reins, twine cutters, squeeze chute handles, syringes or up the back of a cow! And, if the truth were known, you could stand in a pen or pasture full of cattle all day with your video recorder and see nothing more exciting than you would in a day room full of senior citizens after lunch.
See cows are not like monkeys, puppies or bull riders who can always be counted on to show you some kind of bizarre body function, tail pulling or booger-related behavior! And yet, I cannot count the number of stories I’ve been told wherein the dull, cud-chomping, cloven-hoofed grazer has made a fool out of our Supermanic cowboy hero!
In spring, Cowbelt cowmen can see green on the horizon from the top of the windmill. You can hear the tickertape sound of mental calculations dividing bales of hay left in stacks divided by days till the grass arrives.
"It’s gonna be tight," said Bob as he tossed the last two broken bales off the back of the hay wagon into the adoring crowd of cows.
Pete, who was driving the horse-drawn flatbed wagon through the snow, pulled ahead of the cows and looked back. The three cowdogs had jumped on board and were lolling in the lazy morning sun.
"Bob," said Pete, "I believe that brockle-face calf there needs a scour pill."
He stopped the wagon. Bob slipped off the side and approached the calf.
The calf’s mama lowered her head and snorted a warning! In one smooth cowboy move, Bob grabbed a front and hind leg and swung the startled calf onto the wagon bed! The sudden movement spooked the horses! They jumped, knocking Pete over backwards! Bob ran to catch the wagon with the mama cow right behind him! Up on the wagon…first Bob…then the COW!
The dogs rose to full barking mode! The horses picked up speed! Soon a whirlpool of dogs set upon the cow! Our two intrepid cowboys flew off the wagon like bird poop on a windmill fin!
The final scene in this America’s Funniest Farm Video would be of the horses in a crazed run pulling the bouncing, bucking wagon across the bumpy terrain, the cow with legs spread wide trying to keep her balance and the dogs circling her like Geronimo attacking Ward Bond’s wagon train!
Credits would include: Stunt work – Bob and Pete and a cast of thousands.
Baxter Black is a former large animal veterinarian who can be followed nationwide through this column, National Public Radio, public appearances, television and also through his books, cds, videos and website, www.baxterblack.com.